Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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