you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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