i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
