Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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