I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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