I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
