I skipped work to stalk him.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
