i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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