I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
