Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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