so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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