I haven't been this sober since birth.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
