i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize