is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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