I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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