I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize