In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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