he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
