covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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