the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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