Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
