Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
