Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
