So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
