What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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