My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
