I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
