i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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