I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
