I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
