jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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