Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
