You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
