I can tuck mytits in my pants
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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