finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
