is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize