Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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