I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
