Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
