I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
