my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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