i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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