I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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