my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
