I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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