oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
