2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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