glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
