i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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