he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
did you just send me my own nude
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
