I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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