I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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