RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
