I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize