Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize