i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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