Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Farmville is her only friend.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
