Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
