i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
