and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
