I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
