He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
