I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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