i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
