I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
