Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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