i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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