I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
